There was a princess who was marrying an extraterrestrial. The alien did not speak English and had a smooth, gray exoskeleton. At first I was under the impression that the princess was being forced into the marriage.
There was a princess who was marrying an extraterrestrial. The alien did not speak English and had a smooth, gray exoskeleton. At first I was under the impression that the princess was being forced into the marriage.
They both really loved the color purple and wore matching elaborate outfits that were exclusively various shades of purple. On their wedding day, they presented gifts to each other before the ceremony. She had bought the alien a purple lizard of some kind, and he had gotten her a purple venomous snake. When they revealed their gifts, I decided that they must have really been in love and that their mutual love of reptiles and the color purple was really sweet.
They released the reptiles, and then they ran around trying to get bitten by the snake. It was good luck to be bitten by a venomous snake before a wedding ceremony.
My mother was alive and living with my dad again. She had been completely cured of her illness. Liz was still in California and my brother still married and living with his own wife and son, but I was living at home.
Rob’s wife came over and asked my parents about their upcoming wedding. I was angry because they hadn’t told me yet that they were getting remarried. It had not occurred to me that they ever weren’t married anymore. Then I wondered if my dad’s girlfriends knew about my mother being home.
Some guy from work came to my house later to make a business deal with my parents. I didn’t like or trust him. He was showing them a bunch of Squeeze videos. All of the songs sounded almost exactly like “Tempted (by the Fruit of Another).” I started screaming downstairs to them about how much I hated that song and band. I was saying that one shitty song was bad enough, but having an entire collection of songs that sounded just like the one shitty one was the fucking worst.
The guy retorted,”Do you even know anything about music?”
That really pissed me off. I told him my dad had been playing music longer than he had been alive, and that I took lessons for multiple instruments as a child and had a bigger music collection than he did. Then I was disappointed to learn that he had left before he heard what I had to say.
At first I was just part of a team investigating some suspicious activity way out in a southern swamp concerning a hideous, backwoods old white man who was married to a younger girl. The younger girl was identical to Christina Ricci. There were some murders in the area and everyone suspected the old man was involved and feared that the young wife was next. It was agreed by the others on my team that this marriage was not consensual.
Then it was night and there was no team. I was on a bed made of wooden slats covered with a dirty blanket. I realized that I was also married to this crazy old man and did not want to be. I kept hiding because I didn’t want him to find me. I could hear him forcing Christina Ricci help him wrap up a dead body to feed to one of the two giant alligators that swam the perimeter of the dilapidated shack we all lived in. He made Christina swim out into the water and push the body in front of her. When the alligator made its way toward her she had to push the body into the alligator’s jaws before it ate her and then swim away fast enough not to be caught by the second alligator. The water was also infested with water moccasins, but the alligators were so huge that the snakes seemed inconsequential.
I was terrified for her and decided I was going to help her escape, so I came up with a plan. We were supposed lock the old man in his room and make a run for it, but just after we locked him away, she threw me into an outhouse that was barely attached to the shack we lived in and let the old man out of his room. She had tricked me because they had an agreement that if she agreed to keep me in the shack, she wouldn’t have to dispose of the bodies anymore.
They were preparing a body for me to take into the swamp, and I could smell it rotting from the outhouse. The space I was in was very dark and small. I was kicking and punching frantically until some of the drier wood in the door cracked. Christina Ricci tried to push the wood back in but then I kicked it so hard she flew back and hit the old man and he dropped the body. They were screaming at me and throwing up, but I was running away so fast that my feet were barely skimming the swamp water. I knew the alligators were behind me but I didn’t want to see them or the shack so I didn’t look back.
Eventually my feet hit some grass and I knew I was going to get away, but I wouldn’t stop running. It was still night time and I decided that if I ran until the sun came up, they could never catch me.
A zombie epidemic was just beginning. There were a lot of people being quarantined by the government because they were suspected of being infected. One of them was Mark. I was sure that he wasn’t infected and that they had simply made a mistake because he was acting like a psychopath, as usual.
I found the cell they had locked him in and he looked fine. There were no visible marks indicating that he had been bitten by anything. He was speaking to me very strangely and smiling in a really mean way, but I thought he was kidding because I had seen him make that face so many time before. I unlocked the door and went in to help him escape. He started ripping at my clothes and saying really mean things to me and I realized that he was actually infected and trying to rape me.
I kept kicking until he let go of me, but he was laughing and telling me I looked ridiculous trying to get away. I was really pissed off because I felt stupid for trying to help him. He said now that the cell was unlocked, if I ran he would just come after me. I took off my socks, which happened to be really long, 70s style tube socks. One sock had blue stripes and the other had red stripes on top. I tore them into strips with my teeth while he was laughing. He was saying what an idiot I was for thinking I could tie up a zombie.
I told him to go fuck himself and that I was going to hog tie him as uncomfortably as possible just for being a dick. His physical state made him stretch like rubber and it was very difficult to get him into a position that was actually painful for him. He was still taunting me and telling me it wasn’t possible to hurt him, but eventually I decided he was lying and tied him up anyway. He said it wouldn’t take long to get himself untied. I told him I didn’t give a shit because all I wanted was a head start.
I was with my dad and 2 people who were supposed to be my mother and sister, but they weren’t. They were extremely pale and had red hair. We were all at this giant indoor/outdoor flea market for diamonds and jewelry and we were all supposed to select a piece of jewelry for ourselves. My red-headed mother and sister were acting very greedy and obnoxious, but accused me of being an ingrate because when someone suggested I get a set of diamond solitaire earrings, I said that wasn’t really my thing.
I walked around for a long time thinking that maybe there would be a ring that I liked, but I couldn’t find anything I wanted. Eventually I ran across a scraggly man in his 50s wearing a brown duster coat that was filthy. He was using some sort of power to torture that shop’s owner. I thought I could probably kick his ass so I tried to intervene, but the scraggly man turned out to be an extremely powerful wizard and he was using his stare to make me feel like I was burning from the inside out. I tried to run but I was paralyzed. Eventually he bargained with me and said that if I returned the following day to sign a contract, he would let me go. He didn’t say what the contract was for.
When I came back, I brought my fake sister with me. The wizard knew I wouldn’t come back alone, so he’d brought two contracts. I was dreading signing this contract because I’d assumed it was going to be for something terrible, but when I looked at it, it was a contract for an incredibly large sum of money. There was a box where we could choose to have a wish instead. He couldn’t give us the money without the contract in order to avoid any litigation.
I read mine over carefully to make sure it wasn’t a trick, and as I did, two groups of teenage boys got into a huge fight that quickly moved underground, just below the market. Everyone knew that someone was going to die in this fight.
My fake sister decided at the last second not to take the money, and instead wished that no one would die in the fight. I thought that was a stupid decision because those boys were going to kill each other sooner or later anyway. I took the money and left without feeling guilty.
There was a huge Mardi Gras parade in a city that looked like New Orleans but wasn’t. Erin and Jess S. were there with me and we were drinking and running around in confetti and generally having a good time. We were the only women there.
At some point I decided to take my top off and run through the street and everyone was cheering. Erin kept laughing and saying she couldn’t believe I just did that. Suddenly we were crowded on both sides by hordes of frat boys and stoner college kids that stretched all the way down the street we were on. I had my shirt back on and now all the boys were chanting at us, “Show us your tits! Show us your tits!”
We were extremely annoyed by this because we just wanted to go home, and the crowd was such that we could barely move and it all felt extremely dangerous. By this time some women and some sorority girls had joined the crowd. I decided to turn the tables on the men so they would get out of our way by getting all the women to shout, “Show us the goods! Show us the goods!” One guy took his pants off and though it would be really funny to block our way with his dick. His friend copied his gesture.
They both had extremely thick pubic hair, so I took a wad of gum out of my mouth and told him that unless he wanted a mound of pubes full of gum he’d get the fuck out of my way and as I threatened him I touched his pubes with my gum and pulled out a couple of hairs with it. He yelped and moved, but his friend was still there. I held up the gum and said, “Your fate would be even worse than your friend’s because there’s already a bunch of nasty, fucking hair on this gum,” and he looked disgusted and ran away.
We were suddenly back at Erin’s apartment. Erin lived alone in a really awesome downtown apartment with a secluded patio full of magnolias. I wanted to live there too, but didn’t think my dog would be very happy there so I didn’t fill out an application, even though there was a vacant apartment and it was only $50 a month.
I was sick in bed and my grandma was getting married. There were a lot of things going on outside my bedroom in preparation for the wedding, but I couldn’t see what any of them were because the door was closed.
Everytime I would wake up, I would find that someone had broken in and completely disassembled my clock radio, and it felt very threatening, like a warning that they could come back and kill me at any time. I tried to tell my dad about it but he didn’t see why it was such a big deal. I felt very panicked but continued drifting in and out of sleep.
One of the times I woke up, there were suddenly a bunch of kittens and hamsters everywhere. They were very cute and eating cheeries someone had thrown on my bedroom floor.
When I looked beside my bed I was shocked to see that there was a dirty creek right next to it, with all sort of spiders and millipedes. None of them were crawling on my mattress at all though, and I thought that was odd.
My dad, brother, and I were all at a barbecue some guy was throwing that I didn’t know, but worked with my dad. Although we weren’t at home, it was understood that my brother and I still lived at our dad’s house. There was a delapidated trailer next door on a large swath of land. It was a faded bluish-gray, and the foundation beneath it was in the process of a very slow collapse.
My dad informed my brother and I that he was going to buy it and that we were all going to move into it. Both my brother and I protested and I told my dad it was a total piece of shit. He told us to look inside because he thought we would like it better.
The inside was equally horrible, with brown water stains on both the tops and bottoms of the walls. The carpet was brown and the floor was unstable so we had to be careful where we stepped. The only advantage the trailer had was that the inside was huge. However, the entire thing was basically squalor, and my dad just kept talking about its potential.
Later we were at an undisclosed amusement park. My sister was there but she was still a toddler, and my mother was alive and was also there. We kept riding the same roller coaster over and over again. It was operated by my ex-boyfriend, Ben. I talked to him briefly and though I can’t remember what he said, exactly, I remember thinking that it was ridiculous and had a very hard time being polite.
The park announced it was closing. Part of the closing ritual was for everyone’s children to descend upon these giant bins of raw vegetables that were set up in the roller coaster area. As the children filled their bags, the parents competitively spoke about what positive attributes their children’s vegetable selections represented.
I intentionally took as long as possible because by this time, I knew we were going home to that hideous trailer my dad liked so much.
My selection primarily consisted of radishes, and the other parents were saying that radishes were disgusting junk food and whispered to each other about how my parents must have fed me horribly.
I traveled back in time to sometime in the mid to late 80’s. I was unsure whether or not the time travel was intentional. However, I had my current laptop with me including all of my current computer programs. My plan was to call Adobe and sell them the technology they would have created in the future anyway.
My dad didn’t seem to get why this was such a great idea, but my little brother was blown away by its genius and very supportive.
I wasn’t very disturbed that I was now living in the past even though I was definitely unable to escape it. My only problem with the whole scenario was that in the particular past I was in, the weather was constantly stormy, so the film archive attached to the house I was living in kept flooding.
I bought a bunch of things at the drug store that all happened to be eligible for purchase with my flexible benefits card. I was especially excited when it turned out that even my gum was covered since without realizing it, the gum I’d chosen was antibacterial.