Mardi Gras Chewing Gum

There was a huge Mardi Gras parade in a city that looked like New Orleans but wasn’t. Erin and Jess S. were there with me and we were drinking and running around in confetti and generally having a good time. We were the only women there.

At some point I decided to take my top off and run through the street and everyone was cheering. Erin kept laughing and saying she couldn’t believe I just did that. Suddenly we were crowded on both sides by hordes of frat boys and stoner college kids that stretched all the way down the street we were on. I had my shirt back on and now all the boys were chanting at us, “Show us your tits! Show us your tits!”

We were extremely annoyed by this because we just wanted to go home, and the crowd was such that we could barely move and it all felt extremely dangerous. By this time some women and some sorority girls had joined the crowd. I decided to turn the tables on the men so they would get out of our way by getting all the women to shout, “Show us the goods! Show us the goods!”  One guy took his pants off and though it would be really funny to block our way with his dick. His friend copied his gesture.

They both had extremely thick pubic hair, so I took a wad of gum out of my mouth and told him that unless he wanted a mound of pubes full of gum he’d get the fuck out of my way and as I threatened him I touched his pubes with my gum and pulled out a couple of hairs with it. He yelped and moved, but his friend was still there. I held up the gum and said, “Your fate would be even worse than your friend’s because there’s already a bunch of nasty, fucking hair on this gum,” and he looked disgusted and ran away.

We were suddenly back at Erin’s apartment. Erin lived alone in a really awesome downtown apartment with a secluded patio full of magnolias. I wanted to live there too, but didn’t think my dog would be very happy there so I didn’t fill out an application, even though there was a vacant apartment and it was only $50 a month.